When I was Small: a poem of my testimony to Jesus Christ

When I was Small

When I was small,
and my heart was open wide
to love and all it had to offer,
I heard of a love that died for me
and rose again to make me whole,
that I might never feel unloved.
and so I sat cross-legged on a pink covered bed,
and knew this love,
this love could not be beaten—
and welcomed in a Savior
to fill me once and for all.

When I was small
I then knew to do right,
because of what was done for me,
and how my Savior lived.
and so I did right
until it became who I was.
and no one knew that I was loved,
mostly because I never told them
that they were loved too.
so while I hid behind invisible barricades of doing right,
it was held against even me
that I forgot my First Love.

Yet when I was small,
I saw Him wherever I went,
and I did not want to escape;
in the sorrows of loneliness
I looked around a playground
and saw no friends.
But I saw Him there on a blue swing set,
for though I had forgotten his love,
he remained, remaining in me.

So when I was small still,
I remembered my love,
and how He ransomed me from Death himself,
and had told me to come after him,
promising beauty.
and staying where I was,
afraid of finding that Beauty might look
different than beauty,
I had not moved, yet lost my way.

But when I was small,
what I discovered under the cover of a printed book
was that I could be like Him,
and He lit my life on fire.
And I yearned to burn so brightly for Him my Savior.
I searched and sought, and found him
wherever I went,
and kept dangerously quiet.

And so when I was small,
there was a lack of noise,
and slowly it became filled with voices
that whispered that I was alone—not quite,
but nearly alone,
and I saw what they called love,
and what I could do to get it,
so I tried (to be myself?)
and tried. (to be someone else)
and tried. (and failed)
somewhere, I knew that God was there,
and he had someone for me to be,
if I would just be with him,
but at moments it was said of even me,
that I forgot my First Love.

When I was small,
he began to refine me, for he did not forget.
through fires of truth,
lies burned away,
revealing something underneath I never knew could be there,
and I could dance.
I could move my feet, and I could dance.
The shackles melted away like wax,
lies that told me to compare
and pull out hairs on my head
until I had the same number as everyone else.
and my feet moved to the rhythm of freedom
and the melody of grace.

When I was small,
he continued to refine me
and I found that my lips were burned
with a holy fire and I could smile
with the light of sunshine on snow, full of joy,
until the world around me knew
that the One who Loved,
loved in me,
and I continued seeking, seeking

and I learned I was small, so small,
and he spoke to me and said:
“They will be called the Holy People;
The Redeemed of the Lord.
And you will be called Sought After;
the City No Longer Deserted.”
And I knew from the beginning,
it was not my small seeking that mattered,
but the one that sought me out
when I had turned again and again,
and he had not stopped seeking
and he will not stop seeking.

And then, when I was small, he told me to speak,
and I said, Lord, but I’m afraid.
And he reminded me of
when I was small,
and how he had been there, all along,
and gave me sweet sustenance
and whispered love songs
in the midst of bitter winds,
so I spoke,
and I will keep on speaking.

And when I am small,
I know he will be with me,
for he has never let me down.
And he will forever be my Love,
my First Love, my True Love,
and no one will say I forgot.
and momentary darkness may come
intimidating with noises and echoes of despair,
but I will cling to Him with any might I have,
for they are nothing when I am with Him.
For he is great,
when I am small.

On the Floor

Sitting in a big stone room,
I watch and wait for something
to come and tell me my future.
I wait for the heavens to open
and for God to tell me
my dreams will all come true.
But instead all I heard
was the voice that said "Die
to yourself and give your heart to me."
Stunned, I sat back,
and tried to excuse myself
from beng uncomfortable.
But then I knew, what I really had to do.
So I start pulling a never ending string
from my heart of joys and pains
I never knew were there
and dumping them on the floor,
and I'm afraid that if I pull too much longer
my heart will break.
But I keep pulling,
and You surround me when I'm broken.
so You met me there
when I was broken on the floor
and pulled and pushed together
all of the directions I wanted to run.
And I found that in the quiet,
all that I had within me was a song
so I sang
with my arms lifted high
and I could feel my heart moving up
into my fingertips until an empty mess
rested in the palms of my hands,
and I asked you to take it.
take it.
take it.
and make it new, redeemed, healed,
burning, and I can feel it burning,
my chest is being ripped apart.
I can see it, my heart,
the way it was meant to be.
Glowing, on fire,
free.